An unexpected LAUNCH Update

So, there is seriously something wrong with me.  I am alarmed more and more at how the smallest things throw me off my game.  

I have a friend who I only see occasionally.  We go to church together.  We have exercised together before.  Our kids are friends.  But our schedules rarely intersect, so we can go for months and months without connecting.  Last week, I had one of those "out of the blue" thoughts to text her and see if we could try to get together this week.  (I have learned that if I act quickly when those little thoughts come, good things happen.)  

Michelle is a decorator.  My decorating skills are limited.  My in-laws are coming into town next week.  So, I sent her a text...

Isn't she sweet?  She was "honored" that I asked her to come decorate my house.  I have really good friends.

Anyway, here's the crazy thing about that whole interaction...

Michelle and I tentatively planned to get together on Tuesday of this week because I thought that would give all the wisdom tooth extraction patients in my house enough time to fully recover from their ridiculous neediness pain and suffering.  That was a good plan.  Savannah was home all day Monday needing things in quite a lot of pain.  

Unexpected things came up Tuesday and we had to postpone our decorating fun.  For some reason, I felt secretly relieved.  I have no idea why.

We rescheduled for today.  

Michelle had an appointment at 10, so she planned to come over at 11:30.  And guess what I did all morning?  I procrastinated getting dressed.  I wandered around without any direction.  I thought up a million and three excuses to call Michelle and cancel our decorating date.  I have no idea why.

Finally, at 10:30, I started moving toward receiving a visitor in my house.  I tidied a few things.  I vacuumed up dust bunnies.  I brushed my teeth.  

I have no idea why I get so stressed out about new experiences, but I decided it was just dumb to be tense about this one.  Besides, you can't uplift and magnify anything when you spend the whole day wandering around your house all by yourself, right?  So, I decided to just embrace the fact that she was coming over and look forward to what the day would bring.

Michelle showed up promptly at 11:30 with a beautiful styrofoam cup of Sonic ice for me!  I invited her in and we just started talking about decorating things...just like that...super easy.  I showed her some of the things I've pinned on Pinterest.  Don't you just love that website??  I totally do.  Finally, a place OUTSIDE my head to keep all those fleeting thoughts and ideas.  

I showed her some of the things I love that currently live in my house.

If I could decorate my whole house around this vase, I would be so happy!  

We moved a little furniture around, and talked a little more, and then we decided to just get to it already and GO SHOPPING!  We bought a gallon of paint in the same shade as the accent wall in my family room.  I really, really wanted to warm up the WHITE WALLS in my house.  I don't love white walls.  We stopped at Hobby Lobby and Lowe's and picked up a bunch of paint samples and fabric swatches so we could check them out in the room.  

 I'm definitely leaning toward this wall color.

and this fabric for curtains.

(I will be so happy when those dining room walls aren't sage green anymore.)

Wednesdays are busy at our house.  Cub Scout den meetings and Youth Activity night at church.  While Michelle did ALL the paint preparation, I made a little dinner for a few extra kids who stopped by.

There were 9 kids and 3 adults.  I made sure to have them pose for a quick, goofy picture before I let them eat, though. Don't let them fool you.  They didn't paint a darn thing!

After all the kids left for their activity, Michelle and I transformed into turbo painters!  We were only going to try the color on that one wall (the one below the stairs,) but it looked so beautiful that we kept going all the way down the hall and on the two pillars right before you get to the dining room.  (We'll have to hire someone to finish up the stairs and the high celings.)

This is how it looks now.  

Isn't it beautiful and warm and inviting?  Like hot cocoa.  I love it so much.  

Paint makes me happy.  Michelle makes me happy.  Not being dumb makes me happy.  Inviting people to my house and then opening the door and letting them in makes me happy.  

I'm so happy Michelle helped me LAUNCH this little project both in my home and in my social life.  

I'll keep you updated on the progress..

Youth Conference

Oh, I love these kids so much.  This isn't even the entire group.  There were more on the sides who didn't squish in tight enough to get in the shot.  And there were a few straggler-musicians who weren't in the room for this one.  Think 50+ youth...

I am unbelievably grateful to have been associated with these amazing kids for the past few weeks as we've prepared this Youth Conference choir.  They are remarkable, bright lights and I have loved every second I've spent with them.

Way back in September when I started listening to the Stand in Holy Places CD, I had a vision of what this could sound like if we did it on a ward level.  But then when the assignment became a reality, I realized that the number of boys in our ward did not equal the number of SINGING boys, and I wondered if maybe I had been wrong about my little vision.  

During that first week of preparation for this Stake Youth Conference, I blasted out texts to all my friends with boys begging them to encourage their boys to participate.  I tried to lure them with cookies and the promise of many, many young women who would also be participating.  That first rehearsal, there were a handful of kids, mostly from my ward, who sang without a lot of conviction.  I crossed my fingers in the subsequent weeks and prayed my head off that we would have the numbers we needed (especially boy numbers) to pull this off.  They gradually came, and by the final rehearsal last Sunday, we had about 25 kids which was miraculous in my opinion.

In my prayer on Friday morning, I asked to be able to remember all the little things that I might have forgotten.  I asked to be able to field all the potential questions that would come up at 5:30pm when we started rehearsal.  I asked to be calm and freely gushing with compliments for all the kids who would be there.  I asked for magnification of the little choir-directing talent that I currently have.  And I asked for the numbers.  I had not sent out reminder texts or emails.  I hadn't spoken with any of these kids since the previous Sunday, and in teenager-time, a week is an eternity.  I was a little worried...

And then I hopped up to get going with the rest of the day...and was quickly reminded that I hadn't even been still and quiet long enough to listen for any instruction.  When I got back on my knees, here's what I heard.  "Haunani, I did not just give this vision to you.  I gave it to the leaders who have championed this cause for you.  I gave it to the woman who is accompanying for you.  I gave it to the man who wrote the instrumentalist parts.  I gave it to the musicians.  And I gave it to the youth who will be there to sing.  They didn't show up because you made cookies or because you sent out texts to their parents.  Or even because they love you.  They are there because they had a tiny little vision, too.  And you will have everything you need tonight."  

Amazing, huh?

That's a pretty personal thing to write on this blog, and as I wrote it in my journal, I wondered if it would be too much to share in a very public forum like this.  But, last night, as I listened to several of the youth, including Savannah, share their testimonies about the weekend, I thought that this blog post is what I would have shared had I been asked to get up last night. 

When Heavenly Father gives you a vision, He also gives you the means to achieve it.  Why would we have the desire if there was no way to achieve it?  He would never do that.  I know that for sure after this weekend.  I could not have pulled this off on my own.  I could not have brought together all of those kids without some pretty mountainous divine help.

Our tiny little visions are only a small glimpse of what Heavenly Father has in mind when He sends them.  I saw in my vision, a ward youth choir singing this song for a Sacrament meeting at the very most.  What He intended and what actually happened FAR surpassed anything that my limited experience could conjure up.  How exciting is that?  

I expected 20 kids.  I got 50+.  I hoped to have enough kids to fill the center section of the choir seats in the chapel.  They filled EVERY SINGLE SEAT.  I heard a piano accompanist.  What we performed with was a piano, two flutes, a bassoon, and two basses.  We also had a sweet little Casey who did a sign language interpretation as the choir sang.  And on the final day of Youth Conference, not only did the choir sing, but the ENTIRE congregation of youth sang with us.  500 voices singing this song.  I had no idea it could be this amazing!  

I was not the only person in that building to LAUNCH something great over the weekend.  One little musical number (which became so much more than little) LAUNCHED a whole handful of kids, brought the Spirit to the meeting, and united an entire Stake full of youth. 

I cannot tell you how amazingly humbled I feel to have been allowed to be a part of something so magnificent.  Heavenly Father is totally aware of each one of us.  He knows our needs.  He knows our potential.  And when He brings a few of us together, we are capable of miracles.  

Youth Conference Choir and a LAUNCH Update

A few weeks ago, I was asked to organize the youth in our ward to sing for the upcoming Youth Conference on April 27-28.  The song they picked was Jenny Phillips' Stand in Holy Places.

I'm not sure if I posted about this in September or not, but I was definitely stalking this music all through the fall.  I bought the CD as soon as it was available.  I played it regularly in the van with the girls captive so they could hear this song and have it ingrained in their little heads.  In January, when the new theme had officially been launched and I no longer looked like a YOUTH THEME stalker, I posted this video.  I am in love with this song!  

In January, our YW President asked me to teach the girls one of the songs from this CD, but I was disappointed to find out it wasn't this one.  The song turned out beautifully.  We sang it for New Beginnings and again in Sacrament, but I still felt a void because I KNEW that the youth were supposed to sing Stand in Holy Places.  So when the Stake YW President emailed me in March and asked me to have our ward prepare this song, I was thrilled.  Jumping up and down may have happened.  

I had already bought the sheet music and played through it several times, so I felt like I could definitely tackle this assignment.  But as I played it, I realized this was a bigger song than the youth in our ward would be able to do on their own.  But I also knew that we were supposed to sing this song.  So now what???  And then the train started running, as it sometimes does in my head, and I had the inspiration that this should probably be a Stake Youth Choir instead of just a ward thing.

...and then I panicked...   

Because that's how it works in my head.  I have the best ideas and I can SEE and HEAR how they're going to look, and then it's instantly followed by doubt and worry and panic.  ugh...

The following week, I had to fight a little bit of a battle to convince the other people involved that this was a great idea, but eventually I found two people who were willing to champion my cause.  Hallelujah for champions...  

A handful of kids, mostly from my ward, showed up for our first rehearsal and it went really well.  And then there was a Priesthood Encampment and Easter, so we lost a little momentum.  I scheduled a rehearsal for 1:30 on Sunday between Conference sessions.  (I know, what was I thinking??)  And then I held my breath all week that anyone but my two daughters and the pianist's son would show up.  I was such a nervous wreck yesterday it was ridiculous.  I spent the morning making a billion cookies, and hoping that we would have at least a small handful of teenagers willing to sing.  

At 1:00, I dragged Savannah, Megan, Casey and Gladys (Megan's bass) to the church with me.  The pianist was there with her wonderful son who is always willing to sing.  And the six of us waited and waited for others to arrive.  By 1:25, one of my champions had shown up to offer his support, but no other youth.  

...dejection was about to set in...

And then a pair of brothers came, and then a handful of girls I didn't even know from another ward (hooray!  the message had gotten out!)  And by 1:35 I had run out of music to hand out.  Over 25 kids came to that rehearsal yesterday afternoon, on a Sunday when they didn't even have to leave their house or get out of their jammies!  I gushed and gushed about how grateful I was that they all showed up.  And then we started singing...I was completely overwhelmed with emotion at how amazing they sounded, especially the boys.  They sang beautifully, with conviction and confidence, and I saw my little vision becoming a reality.  Of course it did, because it wasn't MY vision.  It was Heavenly Father's.  He knew in September that we needed to sing that song.  

I wonder if He ever gets frustrated with my lack of faith?  I wonder if He wants to shake me when I let my fears and doubts get in the way of His plans?  I'm grateful that He moves mountains for me anyway, even when I don't think He can.  I love leading this song.   I love that Heavenly Father thought I could do this even though I still wonder sometimes if I can.  I love that He brought 25 kids to the church yesterday so that I could have the opportunity to LAUNCH yet another scary thing.  I love that this is all coming together.

the DO NOT CONSUME list

If you KNEW something wasn't great for you, would you do it anyway?  If you KNEW the side effects were more than undesirable, would you take the chance?

What if it was something you LOVED!?

What if you could NEVER have it again?? ...like EVER??  

I've been experimenting with food lately and I've discovered that I can't eat anything with sugar in it.  At all.  In any form.  Or any amount.  

When I eat a cookie (or several cookies,) or have cereal, or indulge in dessert of any kind, and especially if my whole day has a sugar theme to it, I instantly go into this euphoric, groggy, sleepy state...like the tryptophan effect after Thanksgiving.  And then, whether I give in to the nap or not, about an hour later, my mood plummets into one of a handful of things: grumpy, irrational, hopeless, angry, easily offended, worried, frustrated, selfish, OCD, frenzied, insecure.  I haven't figured out yet which sugary thing turns me into which monster.  It might just be like a giant roulette wheel of multiple personalities in my head.  But, the fact is, it happens, it's uncontrollable, I hate being there, and it's a direct result of carelessness with food.

So, if you KNEW that if you ate a donut, there was a 100% chance you would turn into Frankenstein within the hour, would you ever eat one?  Probably not, right?  

My daughter KNOWS that she has a severe allergy to tree nuts.  When she eats even a microscopic speck of an almond, a walnut, a pistachio, or a cashew (those are the worst) she goes into anaphylactic shock.  Her throat closes up. Her face swells.  She gets hives all over her little body.  That's a pretty good deterrent for her.  She isn't crazy about that feeling and therefore, she NEVER eats those things.  She inspects every dessert that isn't made by her mother.  She turns down anything questionable.  She won't go near a granola bar.  And we also have precautions in place so that if she ever accidentally ingests a nut, she can administer to herself a dose of anti-nut-venom (otherwise known as an Epi-pen.)  So far, we haven't ever had to use the Epi-pen, but she carries one in her backpack and we have one at home...just in case.  

You'd think it would be that black and white with me, wouldn't you?  

I've tried some really drastic experiments, like eliminating all white stuff (flour, sugar, potatoes, rice, pasta, bread) for awhile (sometimes a weekend detox, sometimes up to 10 days.)  And guess what!  The longer I stayed away from sugar, the more even-tempered I was.  I had more energy, slept better, looked better, felt better, and lost a little weight.  

Success should equal repetition, right?

Well, apparently only until the first holiday rolls around.  

I am not a candy freak, by any means.  I could go my whole life and not miss Peeps or Jelly Beans or M&Ms or gummy things.  But something about putting small handfuls of them into colorful plastic eggs and throwing them on the grass makes that candy SO much more enticing.  I wonder if broccoli would look as good stuffed inside a plastic egg??

I gave in to every sugary temptation that crossed my path on Sunday.  And that led to a weakened resolve on Monday.  And then there were 50% off Easter sales, and I'm such a sucker for anything on sale.  And then I thought that since I was already off the wagon, I might as well just give in to the temptation I was really struggling with and get the dang Vanilla Bean Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.  And I'm sure you can see how my life might have spiraled out of control in just 72 hours???  

So, last night, as I sat curled up in my room like a wounded porcupine, I wondered if maybe all that sugar had had an effect on my typically sunny personality.  I'm pretty sure it did.  

So I decided that I needed some absolutes.  Things I can NEVER eat again...unless I'm willing to suffer the consequences.  I'm an all or nothing kind of a girl, and the ALL sugar method isn't working, so in desperation I'm trying the NOTHING method.

And I'm displaying them here...on this blog...publicly...so that it will be like a declaration.  And also, so that if you ever see me in The Cheesecake Factory you have permission to drag me the heck out of there.  

 Haunani's official DO NOT CONSUME list

ice cream 

cheesecake

cookies

cake

donuts

chocolate

(I had to name those things specifically because I would find a way to get to them if I didn't)

white rice

white pasta

white bread

potatoes

pizza 

movie popcorn

chips

dairy products

and...

anything from a convenience store

anything from a drive thru (except Sonic ice)

Diet DP, Diet Coke and any other form of caffeinated bubbles (aka Liquid Satan) are also on that list, but they've been there for awhile, and aren't as much of a temptation.  I know better after a year of battling with that absolute.  

Does that make your heart break to see all that stuff on that list?  Yep...mine too.  

But, I know it's the right thing to do.  I know that when I've made the effort before, I've been so much happier and not missed all that stuff at all.  I see great things as a result of sticking to that list of absolutes.  I prefer the longer list of REPLACEMENTS that I have on my fridge.  

Maybe this should be another LAUNCH update, because um...here we seem to be going again...LAUNCHING into something crazy, foreign, scary and with no guarantees of success.  But since I did that whole Book of Mormon pageant thing, I'm feeling pretty confident flying out of my little nest.  Hopefully this LAUNCH will be just as successful.  

Wish me luck!

Contributing

A few weeks ago, after an exceptionally thought provoking lesson, I casually sent off a text to the man who teaches the weekly Institute class I attend.  It just said, “Loved institute today!”  And as soon as I hit SEND, I had this crazy train of thought...  

I thought he must receive tons of those little validating texts a day.  Or emails.  Or phone calls.  Or in-person compliments.  I have seen the long line of people lingering after Institute to glean just a little more wisdom from him.  
And then I thought about the rest of his life that he's carved out so that most of what he does uses his talents, uplifts and edifies people, and likely provides some kind of validation for him as well during a typical day or week.  
And that made me wonder if he knew that he needed validation in his life first and then figured out how to get it??  Or if he knew what he had to offer and then found the opportunities and the validation?? 
After a few days of pondering that, I knew the answer.  He had figured out what he was good at first and walked toward it.  He had a handful of talents and used them to contribute in some way to teach, to lift people, to leave his space better than he found it.  And because of that righteous desire, Heavenly Father magnified what he had and made the rewards and opportunities bigger as well.  But he didn’t start with a desire for increase.  (I told him about my little thought train a week or so later and confirmed that my hunches were right.  The talents came first, then the opportunity, and then the reward.)

After that little epiphany, I started praying differently.  I prayed to know what was in my little handful of things, what I had to offer, and how I could contribute.  And guess what...it's a small handful, but there are some pretty great things in it.  I’m not an awesome photographer like some of the people in my class, but I can encourage and smile and be warm and engaging in that classroom.  I can ask questions and help people a little and I can gush over their incredible talent.  And I may not be a scriptorian, but sometimes I have some pretty good insights on how those scriptures apply to my life.  I may not be able to teach Gospel Doctrine, but I can certainly act on those little promptings to say things in that class and contribute in a small way.  

So I tried it for a few days.  I tried to just smile and connect and leave a space better than when I got there.  I prayed to be useful and to lift others and to contribute, not in a huge way, but just in small ways that would make someone happy, and bring me fulfillment at the end of the day.  And I prayed that Heavenly Father would use my little handful of things that He gave me to do something good.

And it worked.  I smiled and people smiled back.  I invited and people came.  I emailed and they responded.  I connected and they received it warmly. 

So then I prayed a little more to figure out what else I have to contribute.  And I thought of the music.  I love music.  I'm sure that's not shocking.  I can play it and sing it.  I may not be the BEST pianist or singer in the world, but I can read music and I can hear it, and practicing always produces good results.  And I don't have to wait until I'm the BEST at a thing to be able to use it for good.  So I decided that I would make it a point to touch the piano everyday and sing everyday.  That's it.  Somehow, for however long, I would have some daily interaction with music.   

A week later Stacey Christensen asked me to help her with the Mormon Choral Association (more on that later) and because I had gotten dressed up to meet her, someone asked me about my day and I told him where I had been.  Which led to a conversation about how much I want them to start a Mormon Choral Association in Dallas, and how badly I long to sing with a group.  And he leaned back in his chair, threw his hands in the air, and said, “Well, I can help you with that!”  This person has asked me no less than four times in the past 6 months to be in his small, but amazing singing group.  And every time he's asked, I've desperately wanted to say yes, but stopped myself because I didn't think I had anything to contribute.  They are already complete.  They already have a blend...and sometimes it's an irritating thing to try to blend in a new voice.  And...oh yeah...he had never even heard me sing!  I assumed that he probably wasn't in his right mind all those four other times he asked me, and that he had just casually thrown out the invitation in an attempt to be nice, or give me some additional confidence, or whatever, and that he really didn't want me to say yes.  So I said no.  Four times.  Until last Thursday.  When I could think of no more reasons to say no. 

And then I spent four days worrying about it... 

I worried about everything...getting lost...being late...what to wear...if I should just wear flip flops instead of boots in case I needed to take them off before coming into the house...if they would be "cat people" and I would need to bring mega doses of Benadryl with me.  ugh...exhausting just to read that, isn't it??

I had typed the rehearsal address into the GPS earlier in the day, but wasn't convinced that I would be able to find it at 9:00pm in the dark, so I dragged Flowering Buttercup with me after school to do a test drive.  I had been sniffy ALL DAY and had taken too strong a dose of too many cold/allergy meds.  My head was spinning.  I was groggy and nauseous.  The Scout Master finally forced me to take a nap after dinner to settle both my nerves and my stomach, and that turned into two hours of comatose sleep that I barely woke up from in time to drive down to Plano.  And all the way there, I kept worrying...and sneezing...and praying for just an hour and a half of relief from whatever was making me so sniffy.  

I drove to that house Monday night terrified, uncomfortable, anxious and stuffy...but I got there.  I made myself plow through the fear.  And I got there.  Right on time.  Just as someone else walked in the door, who clearly did NOT know who I was or why I was there. 

And guess what.  The people were nice.  But that wasn’t the most amazing part.  Yes, they were nice.  Yes, they shared their music and introduced themselves, and tried to make me feel comfortable.  But it wasn’t that part that made the night so amazing.  It was the part where we stood in a circle in that living room and sang Come Thou Font, and Homeward Bound, and I was able to contribute.  It took a minute to find my part, but when I got it and heard it blend with the other people in the room, it was totally overwhelming.  All of a sudden it didn’t matter if I knew anyone in there or not.  It didn’t matter if they were irritated by my presence or not.  I was contributing to this group of amazing voices.  And WE sounded amazing. 

Clean Eating

I skimmed through a magazine recently and read this:

YOU CAN'T OUT EXERCISE A BAD DIET!!

I was outraged for a minute, and argued (in my head, not out loud) with that theory.  Really??  Are you sure??  Because I have secretly been hoping that I could do that.  Start a running program, and still eat donuts for breakfast.  Consume mass quantities of sugar cookies and then work them off at the gym.  Well, according to that magazine, those aren't very realistic expectations.  Darn it...

I spent a lot of 2012 moving less and eating more.  I reintroduced things into my life and into my diet that I thought I had successfully purged.  And on Monday, I decided it was time to get rid of them again.  My body is craving better food and my mind is craving clarity.

Well, that was four whole days ago.  FOUR DAYS without sugar.  FOUR DAYS without chocolate chips in my Greek yogurt and homemade granola in the mornings.  FOUR DAYS of no desserts after dinner.  FOUR DAYS of fruit instead of candy.  The good news is that I'm still alive.  But holy cow!  Who knew this would be so hard??

Sugar is totally a drug, you know?  I can say that with absolute certainty because after 4 days of not having it, I'm kinda thinking that a syringe full of sprinkles shot intravenously into my body doesn't sound like such a bad thing.  

Here's what I've realized:

• Coming down off of any drug, even the ones cleverly disguised in pink frosting, has some serious withdrawal effects.  I was ridiculously grumpy the first day.  One of my daughters said, "Good grief, someone please give Mommy a cookie!  She's unbearable."  I stayed strong and did not give in.

• My weakest time is between lunch and dinner...that mid-afternoon slump just after everyone has gotten home from school.  I forage through drawers and cabinets looking for some dropped sprinkle, some stray chocolate chip, some leftover Sonic peppermint, like a bear who's been hibernating all winter.   The other day I found two fortune cookies that I had managed to avoid after a visit to Panda Express earlier in the week, and I almost gave in.  Apparently I need to find something to replace this afternoon activity.  

and this slightly more serious one is definitely the best...
I'm pretty sure this falls under the realm of things you can pray for help with.  And why wouldn't it?  Heavenly Father made us.  He has an interest in seeing us happy and thriving and living to our potential.  And we can't do that if we're heavy laden with excessive weight in a sugar coma on the couch.  I ask all the time to have motivation and discipline to exercise.  I ask for a desire to eat better food.  But until today, I had never tried asking in a more direct way.  I know that I cannot feel or hear the Spirit as well when I'm not eating well.  And I have a desire to hear the Spirit.  There are other, more obvious, destructive behaviors that I would never engage in because I know they would impair my ability to hear and act on the Spirit.  So why can't I just add sugar to that list?  I know that Heavenly Father and I both want the same things.  I have a righteous desire to stop eating crappy food, not because I want to look like a supermodel, but because I want to live the life that He has planned for me.   And that desire gives me the right to ask for more than just motivation and willpower.  I actually asked today that I would be as repelled by sugar as I am by cigarettes and alcohol.  I know, there is supposed to be moderation in all things, but for me, I can't manage moderation on my own.  I can't just have one Oreo.  I can't just have a little bite of dessert.  I have a toxic relationship with this particular thing.  And because I know I can't do this by myself, I decided to LAUNCH something different and ask for a totally different way of thinking about sugar.  

"The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single greatest skill that can be acquired in this life."  Julie B. Beck, General Conference, April 2010

I want to weigh less.  I want to look better.  I want to wear skinny jeans.  But more than all of those other things, I want that skill to be able to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation.  I don't want to miss anymore opportunities or calls to serve because I can't hear them.  

So, for the rest of this month and the next, I will be LAUNCHING a sugar free life.  After 6 weeks, I'll pick some other vice to get rid of...fast food? meat? procrastination? gossip? movie popcorn? 

I'm so grateful for the desire to do something better, for blogs that inspire, for results that are tangible, and for the willingness of a loving Heavenly Father to provide guidance and assurance.

MLK Day Purging

It's no secret that I've been feeling restless this month.  I feel like there's something I'm supposed to be doing, but what I can't quite figure out is what exactly that something is.  Over the weekend, I had yet another conversation with yet another daughter about how dissatisfied she is with her friends and her relationships.  We talked around in circles for awhile, and then I said, "You know what?  If you're feeling restless and like something is stirring inside, but you can't quite find it because of all the noise and crap in your life, then get rid of the noise and crap."  I realize you can't exactly "get rid" of your friends, but you CAN unplug yourself from their constant electronic chatter.  And you CAN stop sending out random texts and initiating conversations just because you're bored.  And you CAN pull back  from them a little.

As always, whatever this particular daughter happens to be going through in her life always elicits a response from me that I actually need to apply to my own life.  I've needed to purge a few things in my life for awhile, too, I realized.  I needed to clear some clutter from my head, my phone, and my diet, as well as from my closets.  

I decided last night that this MLK Day should officially be a 

FRIEND FREE, TEXT FREE, CLUTTER-PURGING, DETOX 
day for all of us.    

Here's what we've accomplished today...

• I started this morning by DELETING a few of the contacts on my phone who are particularly unnerving for me.  (If you're reading this, you're probably not on that list.)  You know, the people who you only text out of desperation, but who never really respond the way you hope they will.  I have a few "friends" like that who consistently leave me feeling disappointed and sorry that I didn't choose something else to do.  If people consistently make you feel like that, it's time to make a few changes.

• I UNSUBSCRIBED myself from all the spammy emails that I consistently get.  Every morning, my ritual is to delete 31 of the 35 daily emails from my inbox and then read the remaining 4 that I actually look forward to.  I don't know why I didn't do this sooner.  I probably thought it would just be easier to delete them individually, every single day, for the rest of my life, than to actually scroll to the bottom and click on UNSUBSCRIBE.  Clicking on UNSUBSCRIBE wasn't that hard.  And SO worth it...no more temptation from 20% off sales at Old Navy, no more wasting 10 minutes every day deleting things I don't even want anyway, and no more inflated email numbers tricking me into thinking that I actually have 35 people who want to say something personal and sweet to me.  I love getting emails from actual people.  Spammy emails are a poor imitation.  

• I went through my entire kitchen and PURGED anything that had HFCS, white flour, or white sugar in it.  Yep, I really did.  (OK the chocolate chips are still in the freezer, but I can resist those.)  I was SHOCKED at how many sneaky places that white sugar sneaks into our diet.  Obviously we need to eat fewer cookies and less ice cream, but I had no idea it was also in the yogurt, crackers, and spaghetti sauce, too!  Well, it's all gone now.  (I'll let you know if I survive the week.)

• I helped two of my four kids CLEAN OUT their closets and dressers and get rid of a few things.  It's always shocking to me how quickly they grow out of their clothes.  Spell Girl grows a couple of inches every five minutes these days, it seems.  

It's a good feeling to clear a few unnecessary things out of our lives.  I'm so grateful for a day off of our regular schedules to find more space in our closets and declutter our house.  I'm even more excited about the clarity of mind, body and spirit that I hope to feel after a few weeks of eating better.  There's something I'm supposed to be doing, but I haven't been able to find it amid all the distractions.  I'm looking forward to whatever is around the corner.  

  

Photography Class Day 1

Well, I did it!  
I got up on time.  
I got dressed.  
I remembered my camera.
I found the school (the GPS helped with that.)  
And I walked into the classroom.  

The instructor is a beautiful, 57-year-old, professional fine arts photographer, who dresses in funky, artsy clothes and has long dreadlocks that hung down from the bright orange scarf she had wrapped around her head.  She talks so fast and has more experience with cameras and photography than the whole class combined.  There are 18 of us in this class, and we're divided into Canon and Nikon users.  (I'm on the Nikon side.)  This morning we had to introduce ourselves and declare a photography subject we want to shoot.  (That's the official word, by the way.  I no longer "take pictures."  I now "shoot" stuff.)  Apparently if you just say that you want to shoot everything, you end up not taking very good pictures...um...I mean, getting very good shots.  So, after being completely intimidated by all the people who declared themselves environmental photographers, sports photographers, photo journalists, and "in the moment" photographers (what in the heck is that anyway??) I realized that it is completely respectable to want to take pictures of my four babies so that I can remember all the things that seem to slip out of my memory so quickly.  I'm a mom who happens to love to blog and scrapbook, and that's totally enough.  And that's exactly what I said (well, not the "enough" part, but the rest.)  

I was a little lost today.  And A LOT intimidated by the rest of the class.   But...I LOVED being in a classroom again.  My head was totally spinning as I walked into that room and sat down.  I LOVE learning.  I LOVE taking notes.  I even LOVE having homework, which I definitely already have.  I don't love the feeling that everyone knows WAY more than I do, but that's probably because I haven't been in a classroom in about 20 years.  Maybe this little photography class will be the confidence-building catalyst I need to LAUNCH me into other classrooms.  I'm SO excited about the next 6 weeks and the amazing things I'll be able to do with my camera.  I'll post all of my homework so you can see it, too!  Wish me luck!

High Five for Friday

What I'm grateful for this week...

Garage Door repair guys SUPER HEROES who are on call 24 hours/day, who come to your house at dinner time, who can fix anything, and who stay for three hours and then offer to program the remote in the van for you, too.  

What surprised me this week...

Flowering Buttercup and I had a talk several weeks ago about the constant barrage of pictures and status updates that she gets all day and night on her phone, and the effect it has on her.  Her friends (and their friends) post things that she may or may not want to see or read about at the moment they post it, but because she has a constant feed on her iPhone, and because it's always in her hand, she has no choice but to be subject to EVERYTHING instantly.  Sometimes you don't want to know exactly what your friends are thinking.  Sometimes, when you've had a particularly crappy day, you don't want to see the latest cheerleader photo shoot of some girl's perfect hair and chiseled 6 pack.  Sometimes it's better to not find out when people's relationship status has changed.  I am not a fan of social media and the pressure it puts on everyone, especially teenage girls.  

This morning, Flowering Buttercup casually announced that she deleted her FB and Twitter apps from her phone.  Her accounts are still there, but the constant access is gone.  I have no idea what prompted this, but it's a good thing, and I am really proud of her for making a change that was hard.  

What made me smile this week...
I wish I could capture all of the goofy, hilarious, insightful, and amazing things my kids say in a week, but Flowering Buttercup is the only one who regularly sends them to me via TEXT.  (Maybe that's a good reason to get all the other kids phones, too???)
The Scout Master was trying to access my blog this week via his iPad from HOU.  For some reason he wasn't seeing any recent posts, so I asked Flowering Buttercup to look at my blog from her phone and see if she could see anything new.  She texted me back and said "I don't even know how to get to your blog."  Serious???  I do this everyday and write 50% of my posts about my kids, and she doesn't even know how to get to it??  ugh...

Well, at least she realizes that she might miss me someday.  :)

What I loved this week...
My neighbor, Jill, has a daughter who LOVES to ride horses.  In fact, they happen to own a horse who they board at a nearby stable, and Jill takes her daughter there several times a week to ride.  Every now and then, they also take their younger son and they invite Mack to come along.  Jill texted me this picture from the stables...

Don't let that little scowl on Mack's face fool you.  That's his permanent, 9-yr-old "I-really-hate-having-my-picture-taken" face.  He actually LOVES going to the barn, and he LOVED being on that horse.  (Her name is Six.)  I don't think Mack has ever been on a horse before.  I was instantly grateful for all the people who fill up the space in our days with great things and who give my kids opportunities to broaden their little horizons.  We have the BEST neighbors!

What I'm LAUNCHING this week...

Photography Class at Colin County Community College

The Scout Master took me on a trial run to the campus last night.  It's so scary and exciting that I wanted to hurry up and just get in that class already and I also wanted to throw up all at the same time.  Ridiculous, huh?  

I hope this has been a productive, amazing, happy week for all of you and that you have a wonderful weekend to look forward to.

LAUNCH Update

This week hasn't felt very "LAUNCH-y."  I haven't wanted to do much of anything outside those safe things that I know I'm good at...cleaning my house, driving my kids around, making a mean lunch, and clearing out my TiVo.  I've been seriously pathetic since that little setback on Sunday.  

But thankfully, we get a new day and a new start every 24 hours.  I've had my time on the couch and my time to wallow in self-doubt, and now it's a sunny, new day, and a great time to get up and LAUNCH something different.  This is what I saw when I woke up this morning...

How is it that I've looked at the Scout Master's bookshelf for months and never noticed that he has a book called LAUNCH?  It's a business-based book, not a spiritual-based book, so I probably won't be reading it, but I did think it was a pretty clear message to stick with the plan for 2013 and LAUNCH something today.  

So, I practiced the song I've been dreading.  

I wrote a blog post.  

I spread some bloggy love in places I haven't before.  

I opened my mouth and said something scary.  

I sent a text of encouragement.  

And I'm starting a photography class at the community college on Saturday morning.  It's not quite the road to the Masters, but it's a classroom and it's WAY out of my comfort zone, and I'm seriously scared to death to even go.  But I'm going anyway.  (more on that later, hopefully.)

Oh, and now that I've done absolutely every possible other thing that I can think of this morning, I'm going to stop procrastinating and work on the book.  

"This is the year to give up procrastination and excuses.  This is the year to begin what you have been dreaming about.  You can make the best, most elaborate plans, but the hardest step to any goal is simply the first.  If you take the first step, the last step will take care of itself.  There aren't thousands of steps in the fulfillment of your goals, there's just ONE."   Kute Blackson

I'm so grateful for opportunities to connect and encourage.  I'm grateful for other people who are making huge strides to move forward in their lives, and by doing so, inspire the rest of us to do the same.  And I'm grateful for the hope and motivation of a new day.  

"Launching isn't Arriving"

Wow!  What a difference a few hours can make.  Last night the weight of my blank canvas got pretty heavy.  I carried it around with me for a long time.  I polled the audience about my restlessness and lack of commitment.  I texted a few close friends and the Scout Master and then after hours and hours of pouring my soul out on people's virtual couches, I heard it!  Just the right words to LAUNCH me into action.  While I commiserated about wanting to do something but not knowing what, Jeanette said exactly what I had been waiting to hear.  I told her how I've done all the little things.  My desk is in order.  All the pencils are sharpened.  I've made enough granola to last into the next generation.  The low hanging fruit has been picked, canned and shelved.  It's time to tackle that list of the REAL stuff I want to do in my life.  The book.  The masters degree.  The solo in Sacrament.  (Eek!!)  Jeanette is an editor and a journalist, and she knows me and has read my blog, so when she encourages I believe her.  She said a lot of awesome things, while I continued to sprinkle in some whining about "how do I start?" "what do I write?"  "what if people hate it?"  She said, "Don't write with your audience/rejection in mind.  Write for yourself, as if you are the only one who will read it, and then it will soar!"  I've heard that before.  That's exactly what the Scout Master said on our date night while I was crying to him about the book.  And then I mentioned my word for 2013.

Jeanette said, "LOVE it!  But Launching isn't arriving."  That's it.  LAUNCHING ISN'T ARRIVING.  How brilliantly simple is that?  And I so needed to hear it.  I feel the urge to LAUNCH something, but the thought of not only LAUNCHING but also FINISHING something was too big.  I needed Jeanette to break it down into smaller, bite sized, manageable chunks for me.  She said, "Write for an hour a day.  Just get those words on the page!"

So last night, I put kids to bed and wrote for an hour.  I just started somewhere.  And I wrote for a whole hour!  The time flew.  I wanted to keep going, but I remember reading somewhere that someone limited herself to just an hour and stopped when things were just getting good so that she would be excited to come back the next day.  I'm SO excited to come back.  It's like this little amazing thing waiting for me.  

Disclaimer:  This book is just this idea that has been swimming around in my head for so long that it has finally outgrown the space.  I'm afraid my head will actually explode if I don't set it free.  So, I don't know where it will eventually arrive, but I'm LAUNCHING it this year.  In fact, I've already done that.  I wrote two whole pages in an hour and since LAUNCHING ISN'T ARRIVING I could be done right now and still have met my goal for 2013.  I won't do that, but it's nice to know that the pressure is now off because I have LAUNCHED something.  Instantly there is peace where there used to be turmoil.  And all because I pestered just enough people with just the right amount of whining.  Thank you, Jeanette.  

Blank Canvas

Well, the first day is here...the first OFFICIAL day of the new semester, the first day of quiet in my house, the first day of not being the cruise director, the first day of no lingering Christmas stuff (well, the tree is still sitting there in the living room, but it's been stripped of all it's decorations and is waiting patiently for the Scout Master to return from his business trip so he can drag it back up to the attic.)

You would think that on the FIRST OFFICIAL DAY of my new year, after about 30 days of busy, festive celebrating and 7 days of lazy, happy relaxing that I would be chomping at the bit to get something going.  Anything, right?  

Well, here's what I did instead this morning...

I made breakfast, got children to Seminary and school, cleaned up the aftermath, made my bed, said a really LONG prayer, and then...I just sat there wondering what the heck to do next.  Why is it that the blank canvas I've been longing for so much is now so daunting and scary?  I'll tell you why!  It's because I'm afraid to mess it up.  My year is perfect right now, clean, beautiful and shiny.  What if I pick the wrong thing to do?  What if I spend my whole year writing stuff that's just fluffy and uninspired?  What if I eat the wrong breakfast that isn't on my clean eating menu? Or what if I start the first day of this new year with vacuuming and that sets the tone for an all-cleaning rest of the year!!  I don't know when I became so afraid of trying things, or when my list of things I'm good at dwindled down to less than four.  But this blank canvas of a day has been staring at me for the past 5 hours and I still haven't managed to do much about it.

And then I walked into Flowering Buttercup's room and saw this...

This was some kind of blank canvas at one point.  But then she just started putting stuff on to it.   I love this board because it's so different from the way I do things, but yet so inspiring.  I do symmetrical and straight lines.  I do clean and uncluttered.  I clear the old things off and put up new things that are relevant and current.  Unlike me, Flowering Buttercup isn't constrained by the borders of the bulletin board, or the theme of the background paper, or what other people might think if her mother takes a picture of it and posts it on her blog.  She knows what's current and relevant because it's on the top where she can see it.  But she also has all the old stuff to remind her where she's been and how she's changed.  It's a working, useful, functioning board, not just a decoration in her room that she assembled once and never touched again.  She didn't just clear it all off because it was a new year.  She just started from today and added to what was there yesterday.  Maybe the first thing was crooked or wrinkled or didn't really match the pink background, but after all those other things went up, who really even notices that first thing anymore, or remembers what it was?  

Perfection is an unattainable goal.  And not worth pursuing.  It might be a better plan to just LAUNCH something onto that blank canvas and keep LAUNCHING things until I get something that looks a little like this bulletin board...layers upon layers of tiny moments in my life that add up to a vibrant, joyous, worthwhile adventure.  

I hope you're not stuck trying to figure out what to put on your canvas.  Just pick something and start.  It may not be the exact right thing, but something is always better than blank, shiny and perfect.