Calming the Storms

"So, the great test of life is to see whether we will hearken to and obey God's commands in the midst of the storms of life.  It is not to endure storms, but to choose the right while they rage."  - Henry B. Eyring, October 2005 General Conference, Spiritual Preparedness:  Start Early and Be Steady

My little storms seem so mundane compared to the great trials and challenges that some people have to face.  I wonder sometimes if I could ever manage the bigger things since I'm always so stuck in these small ones.  

This morning I woke up distracted by a couple of small things that happened yesterday.  I was worried that I had offended people.  I was worried that I had ruined things beyond repair.  I was worried that I needed to do something to fix them, but doubtful about my ability to do that.  

When those kinds of little storms happen for me, I often let them linger in my head for so long that they become HUGE storms and they color the day for me.  This morning, I couldn't seem to gather my thoughts into anything useful, and I could feel the storm getting bigger, so I texted the Scout Master, who is in Chicago.  I think it was 6:00am there, too, but I'm not sure.  I can never keep the time zones straight.  I'm pretty sure I woke him up.  

I poured out my worries and doubts, and within a few minutes he texted back calm and rational responses.  

And they were just what I needed to point me in the direction that would be the most beneficial.  I finished getting breakfast, lunch, and kids ready for the day.  I locked all the doors and turned off all the distractions.  I decided against the chocolate chips.  And then went to my room and prayed.  I poured out all those same doubts and worries to Heavenly Father, too.  And that quote up there is what I heard in response.  (I had heard that on Friday and again yesterday in Institute, so apparently it was readily available because Someone knew I was going to need it.)

I decided to listen to the whole Conference talk from October 2005.  And yep, guess who's voice that is?  Henry B. Eyring's.  Someday I'll have to tell that man what a huge influence he is in my life.  He said this other great thing, too...

"There is another even more important preparation we must make for tests that are certain to come to each of us.  That preparation must be started far in advance because it takes time.  What we will need then can't be bought.  It can't be borrowed.  It doesn't store well.  And it has to have been used regularly and recently.  What we will need in our day of testing is a spiritual preparation.  It is to have developed faith in Jesus Christ so powerful that we can pass the test of life upon which everything for us in eternity depends."

and this... 

"We will need to have developed and nurtured faith in Jesus Christ long before Satan hits us, as he will, with doubts and...lying voices saying that good is bad and that there is no sin.  Those spiritual storms are already raging.  We can expect that they will worsen until the Savior returns."

Although I'm sure my little storms are not exactly what President Eyring had in mind when he wrote that talk in 2005, those things he warns of are exactly what I feel when they hit.  I hear voices of doubt and worry.  I second guess things I already KNOW for sure.  I don't trust my instincts.  And the noise in my head drowns out the whisperings of the Spirit.

I am grateful to have been redirected today, that the storm only raged until 8:30, that it has now been sufficiently calmed, and that there were no chocolate chips involved.    

I am grateful for words that sink in, from people I trust and can count on. 

And I am overwhelmed at the compassion, perspective and spirituality that my husband has developed over the last two years.  I don't know if it's his calling with all those little 12 year old scouts that has refined him, or having a wife with a lot of little storms to calm, but he has become the consistent and reliable voice of reason when I can't seem to hear it in my own head.  He is always patient with whatever storm I happen to deflect his way.  And he knows me well enough that he can say the things that will be the most helpful with the fewest number of words.  I'm so grateful that he is available when I can't quite get myself to the praying step on my own. 

Contributing

A few weeks ago, after an exceptionally thought provoking lesson, I casually sent off a text to the man who teaches the weekly Institute class I attend.  It just said, “Loved institute today!”  And as soon as I hit SEND, I had this crazy train of thought...  

I thought he must receive tons of those little validating texts a day.  Or emails.  Or phone calls.  Or in-person compliments.  I have seen the long line of people lingering after Institute to glean just a little more wisdom from him.  
And then I thought about the rest of his life that he's carved out so that most of what he does uses his talents, uplifts and edifies people, and likely provides some kind of validation for him as well during a typical day or week.  
And that made me wonder if he knew that he needed validation in his life first and then figured out how to get it??  Or if he knew what he had to offer and then found the opportunities and the validation?? 
After a few days of pondering that, I knew the answer.  He had figured out what he was good at first and walked toward it.  He had a handful of talents and used them to contribute in some way to teach, to lift people, to leave his space better than he found it.  And because of that righteous desire, Heavenly Father magnified what he had and made the rewards and opportunities bigger as well.  But he didn’t start with a desire for increase.  (I told him about my little thought train a week or so later and confirmed that my hunches were right.  The talents came first, then the opportunity, and then the reward.)

After that little epiphany, I started praying differently.  I prayed to know what was in my little handful of things, what I had to offer, and how I could contribute.  And guess what...it's a small handful, but there are some pretty great things in it.  I’m not an awesome photographer like some of the people in my class, but I can encourage and smile and be warm and engaging in that classroom.  I can ask questions and help people a little and I can gush over their incredible talent.  And I may not be a scriptorian, but sometimes I have some pretty good insights on how those scriptures apply to my life.  I may not be able to teach Gospel Doctrine, but I can certainly act on those little promptings to say things in that class and contribute in a small way.  

So I tried it for a few days.  I tried to just smile and connect and leave a space better than when I got there.  I prayed to be useful and to lift others and to contribute, not in a huge way, but just in small ways that would make someone happy, and bring me fulfillment at the end of the day.  And I prayed that Heavenly Father would use my little handful of things that He gave me to do something good.

And it worked.  I smiled and people smiled back.  I invited and people came.  I emailed and they responded.  I connected and they received it warmly. 

So then I prayed a little more to figure out what else I have to contribute.  And I thought of the music.  I love music.  I'm sure that's not shocking.  I can play it and sing it.  I may not be the BEST pianist or singer in the world, but I can read music and I can hear it, and practicing always produces good results.  And I don't have to wait until I'm the BEST at a thing to be able to use it for good.  So I decided that I would make it a point to touch the piano everyday and sing everyday.  That's it.  Somehow, for however long, I would have some daily interaction with music.   

A week later Stacey Christensen asked me to help her with the Mormon Choral Association (more on that later) and because I had gotten dressed up to meet her, someone asked me about my day and I told him where I had been.  Which led to a conversation about how much I want them to start a Mormon Choral Association in Dallas, and how badly I long to sing with a group.  And he leaned back in his chair, threw his hands in the air, and said, “Well, I can help you with that!”  This person has asked me no less than four times in the past 6 months to be in his small, but amazing singing group.  And every time he's asked, I've desperately wanted to say yes, but stopped myself because I didn't think I had anything to contribute.  They are already complete.  They already have a blend...and sometimes it's an irritating thing to try to blend in a new voice.  And...oh yeah...he had never even heard me sing!  I assumed that he probably wasn't in his right mind all those four other times he asked me, and that he had just casually thrown out the invitation in an attempt to be nice, or give me some additional confidence, or whatever, and that he really didn't want me to say yes.  So I said no.  Four times.  Until last Thursday.  When I could think of no more reasons to say no. 

And then I spent four days worrying about it... 

I worried about everything...getting lost...being late...what to wear...if I should just wear flip flops instead of boots in case I needed to take them off before coming into the house...if they would be "cat people" and I would need to bring mega doses of Benadryl with me.  ugh...exhausting just to read that, isn't it??

I had typed the rehearsal address into the GPS earlier in the day, but wasn't convinced that I would be able to find it at 9:00pm in the dark, so I dragged Flowering Buttercup with me after school to do a test drive.  I had been sniffy ALL DAY and had taken too strong a dose of too many cold/allergy meds.  My head was spinning.  I was groggy and nauseous.  The Scout Master finally forced me to take a nap after dinner to settle both my nerves and my stomach, and that turned into two hours of comatose sleep that I barely woke up from in time to drive down to Plano.  And all the way there, I kept worrying...and sneezing...and praying for just an hour and a half of relief from whatever was making me so sniffy.  

I drove to that house Monday night terrified, uncomfortable, anxious and stuffy...but I got there.  I made myself plow through the fear.  And I got there.  Right on time.  Just as someone else walked in the door, who clearly did NOT know who I was or why I was there. 

And guess what.  The people were nice.  But that wasn’t the most amazing part.  Yes, they were nice.  Yes, they shared their music and introduced themselves, and tried to make me feel comfortable.  But it wasn’t that part that made the night so amazing.  It was the part where we stood in a circle in that living room and sang Come Thou Font, and Homeward Bound, and I was able to contribute.  It took a minute to find my part, but when I got it and heard it blend with the other people in the room, it was totally overwhelming.  All of a sudden it didn’t matter if I knew anyone in there or not.  It didn’t matter if they were irritated by my presence or not.  I was contributing to this group of amazing voices.  And WE sounded amazing. 

Home

Oh, I had such great plans for all the blogging I was going to do on the road last week.  Unfortunately, we were SO busy and I am SO not used to blogging without my MAC these days that every time I attempted to post something, I just gave up.  Instead, I have notes on my phone, and scribbles in my journal, and ideas still swimming around in my head for all those awesome posts I should have written.  I promise to fill in all the gaps from this trip as soon as I catch my breath and go to the grocery store and get kids back to school and do a million loads of laundry.  But until then, here's a little bit of our weekend drive home and a quote from the Conference talk we listened to this morning while the sun came up. 

I hope you had an amazing Thanksgiving and that you're also in your warm, comfortable home right now, surrounded by people who love you, and about to crawl into bed.  

"The gradual increase of light radiating from the rising sun is like receiving a message from God "line upon line, precept upon precept" (2 Ne 28:30).  Most frequently, revelation comes in small increments over time and is granted according to our desire, worthiness, and preparation.  Such communications from Heavenly Father gradually and gently "distil upon [our souls] as the dews from heaven" (D&C 121:45).   

"As you appropriately seek for and apply unto the spirit of revelation, I promise you will "walk in the light of the Lord"  (Isaiah 2:5).  Sometimes the spirit of revelation will operate immediately and intensely, other times subtly and gradually, and often so delicately you may not even consciously recognize it.  But regardless of the pattern whereby this blessing is received, the light it provides will illuminate and enlarge your soul, enlighten your understanding, and direct and protect your family."

David A. Bednar The Spirit of Revelation, April 2011

Notes from Church

There is always something in every block of church meetings that seems hand picked just for me.  And on the great days, when I'm open to things, almost everything seems to be just for me.  I LOVE days like that.  Today was one of those Sundays.  It has been a difficult weekend for the members of our ward, which I will write more about later in the week.  The first thing I felt when I walked into the building was the collective unity and support of every single person in the chapel.  No one had to speak it.  We all just knew.  It was the most amazing thing I have ever felt.  I have only known most of these people for two years, some even less than that, but today, under the circumstances, I felt bonded to each one of them as if they were my own family.  I am so grateful to be a part of a church community like this one.  

The talks today were amazing, too.  My ears always perk up when I hear anything about personal revelation.  One of the talks mentioned today in Sacrament was How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Life by Elder Richard G. Scott.  I missed it during General Conference last April, but I have listened to it several times since then and LOVED it each time.  You can read the complete Conference talk here.

The Holy Ghost communicates important information that we need to guide us in our mortal journey. When it is crisp and clear and essential, it warrants the title of revelation. When it is a series of promptings we often have to guide us step by step to a worthy objective, for the purpose of this message, it is inspiration.

My favorite quote EVER is the one Julie B. Beck gave in General Conference in April 2010.  She said, "The ability to qualify for, receive and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life."  I believe that is true.  Over the years, I have lived my life in ways that have allowed me to hear floods of personal revelation on a regular basis about things that no one could know I needed to hear, except a loving Heavenly Father.  And I have also lived in ways that have allowed lots of distractions to impede my ability to qualify for and receive that inspiration.  I prefer the floods.  

One of the great lessons that each of us needs to learn is to ask. Why does the Lord want us to pray to Him and to ask? Because that is how revelation is received.

Every now and then, there are things that clutter my head.  No matter what I do, I can't seem to quiet the noise.  I worry and doubt and drive myself crazy trying to find answers to impossible questions.  During those times, I often try to reason things to death, and muster up all of my intellectual capacity to get answers.  And mostly what I end up with are headaches.  This morning, my head was cluttered with that kind of stuff again.  And then I remembered that I've actually ASKED about these specific things before.  I remembered the answers I got before, too, and how comforting they were.  They were unusual answers that didn't make sense when I received them, and don't make sense now.  But because I was in the right places, doing the right things, and asking with sincerity, I knew they were coming directly from Heavenly Father through the Holy Ghost, and I didn't question them.  I just heard them and trusted.

When it is for the Lord’s purposes, He can bring anything to our remembrance. That should not weaken our determination to record impressions of the Spirit. Inspiration carefully recorded shows God that His communications are sacred to us. Recording will also enhance our ability to recall revelation. Such recording of direction of the Spirit should be protected from loss or intrusion by others.

I didn't write those things down then, but I wrote them today.  I'm a recording kind of a person, I think.  That desire is innate in me.  That's the whole reason I can't throw away pictures, and the reason I have 500 journals, and that probably explains the 510 posts in the last 640 days.  

I am so grateful for remembrance.  I'm grateful for vivid dreams and for the little inspirations that come throughout the day.  And I'm grateful for Sundays that are sprinkled with all the uplifting things I need to hear.