Sunday

Back to church…finally.  Three weeks feels like an eternity to be at home.  But being back in that beautiful building and being welcomed by everyone I had missed was such a great feeling.  There have been times when I would have happily stayed home from church in the past.  In fact, I'm sure I've longed to sit on the couch on more than one Sunday.  But these last three weeks, I've found it very difficult to stay home while my whole family goes to church without me.  

Today, Emma gave a talk about preparing for the Second Coming…holy cow!  What a huge topic for a 13 year old.  She was SO nervous and then just as we were walking from the parking lot to the building, her little shoe broke…ugh…poor thing.  She was nervous, frustrated, and now shoeless while she sat up on the stand waiting to give her talk.  But she did a fantastic job.  Somehow my children have been blessed with an amazing ability to express themselves and find relevant, personal experiences that illustrate whatever topic they've been asked to speak on.  It was so sweet to watch her up there, nervous and a little weepy, but still very confident.  She got so many compliments.  I was so proud of her.  

During the second hour, Craig and I taught our new-ish Sunday School class.  We teach the 16-17 year olds, but until the 18 year olds graduate and go off to college or missions, they'll stay in our class, too.  So along with the 5 additional Sophomores that we've acquired this year, we also have our original 15 Juniors and Seniors…phew!  It's a good thing we have a huge room because 20 kids is A LOT!  I absolutely LOVE them, though.  Craig mostly taught and I mostly filled in the spaces with personal stories, but I can't tell you how happy I was to be back in that classroom surrounded by all those amazing kids.  They have such great insight and they totally inspire me to think harder, and do better, and learn more.  

In Relief Society, we had our first lesson from the new Joseph Fielding Smith manual.  He was an amazing man.  I so enjoyed hearing the history of his life and the graceful, faithful way he endured the many challenges he faced.  The bulk of the lesson was about understanding the divine characteristics of Heavenly Father.   Another weighty topic…but…right in the middle of the lesson, the teacher played this video excerpt of a Conference talk from 2011:

link

Here's what was said…

"Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be.  You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever.  We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him.  Have hope and faith in that promise.  Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and in deed.

Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourself the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul: "Eye hath not seen, not ear heard, neither have entered into the hearts of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." (1 Corinthians 2:9)

Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit.  He knows you.  He loves you with a perfect love.  

God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season - He sees you as His child.  He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become.  He wants you to know that you matter to Him."  

Here's what I heard…

There's amazing stuff coming.  My life is abundant and wonderful right now, and I am aware of that everyday, but there are things that I am impatient for…grandchildren, missions, weddings, future callings, retirement, etc.  I have a hard time being patient and waiting for the things that I know are coming in the future.  But Heavenly Father knows me.  He wants me to learn patience, to have faith in Him, and to be good so that all of those things that I have seen glimpses of, I will actually be prepared for and worthy to receive.  

I am so grateful, not only to have been able to go to church today, but also to have been reminded once again that Heavenly Father has everything under control.  I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has a uniquely divine plan for each of us.  

Be Good. Be Patient. Don't Forget.

Tender Mercies

Sometimes I am really dumb.  

I have a couple of new callings at church and one of them that I am agonizing over is teaching the 16-17 year old Sunday School class.  Why would I agonize over that?  It makes no sense to me either, but I have been agonizing nonetheless.   I HAVE a 17 year old in the class.  I KNOW all of these kids.  They are GREAT kids.  And they already LOVE me and I already LOVE them.  What more could I possibly need to let me know that this is a good fit and I am perfectly capable and qualified to teach this group of kids.  

But...still I agonize.  And worry.  And doubt.  

I spent all of Sunday morning crying my dang head off because I didn't feel like I could articulate very well all the things I've prepared and studied.  It felt like all this jumble of stuff swimming around in my head at 9:00am and I could NOT figure out how to deliver it three hours later.  

Even after the lesson was over I didn't feel very good about it.  It felt disconnected.  I felt like I left out so much that needed to be included.  And there wasn't a lot of substance.  I came home Sunday night with a headache from worrying so much about the crappy, incoherent lesson I had taught and the irreparable spiritual damage I was doing to these kids.  

Since the end of last month when I received this calling, I have prayed and prayed, and wearied the Lord with my pleading to just be good at this, to just be an instrument in His hands, and to have the Spirit translate some small part of what I've said into something that these kids need and can understand.

Well, guess what happened today...

While making my bloggy rounds, I noticed that this sweet girl (who is in my Sunday School class) had updated hers.  

In case you don't wander over to read the actual post for yourself, here's an excerpt...

"In church today, we were talking about how being Christlike isn't just for you, it's for the people around you, too.  I have been really thinking about this today."

She heard what I said!  And she took it home and thought about how it applied to her life! And then she wrote a blog post about it!  

That little testament might be enough for some people to feel greater confidence in their abilities, but apparently not for me.  As quickly as I read that, and marveled at it, and basked in it, the doubt started to creep right beck in.

Then about an hour ago, I got this text...

Ben showed up at my door five minutes later with this for Savannah...

I asked him what the occasion was, and he shrugged his shoulders and said, '"I have no idea, but you said on Sunday that sometimes we're prompted to do things for people and we don't know why, but we should do them anyway because we have more influence than we realize and even the little things can uplift people."

I am sufficiently humbled and totally shocked.  In case you didn't already know this, He hears us.  He knows what we need.  And He has a way of connecting all of our paths so that they intersect at just the right places and at just the right times.  We just need to stop agonizing, stop worrying, stop being dumb and look for those tender mercies that testify of His presence.  Sometimes they are even in peanut M&Ms and Diet Coke.  

"Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit.  If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time."  D&C 6:14

 "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."  D&C 6:36

Watch and Learn

I love General Conference.  I anxiously look forward to it every April and October.  I'd definitely rank it among the major holidays on the anticipation scale.  I love that we clear the weekend of all interruptions, that we plan huge feasts, and that we devote 8 whole hours over a two day period to watching and learning from the Prophet, his Apostles, and the other General Authorities.  It is truly an exciting event at our house.

Last April, I remember exactly where I was when I heard this specific talk, Watch and Learn, from Elder L. Whitney Clayton in the Sunday morning session of conference.  I was happily making some kind of magic in the kitchen when I heard an unfamiliar voice tell a story about his little granddaughter saying, "Watch and learn, Grandpa."  And as his talk unfolded including guidelines for successful marriages, I felt myself becoming increasingly more and more frustrated and anxious.  I didn't love his talk at all.  Nothing about it was appealing to me, and I remember being physically repelled by the entire thing.  

Believe me, I was conflicted over the experience.  Sure, there have been talks in past Conferences that haven't captured my attention the way some others have.  There have been some speakers whose voices didn't call me from far off parts of the house the way President Eyring's voice or Elder Holland's voice does.  But never in the 20+ years that I've listened to Conference, have I ever had a visceral reaction like the one I had that Sunday in April.  I could hardly wait for the talk to end.  

Typically in the weeks and months after Conference, I like to include the talks in some kind of daily study.  The week after the April 2013 Conference, I started making my way through each of the Conference talks on lds.org.  But each time I came to Elder Clayton's talk, I would skip it.  Sometime that month, a close friend, who also happens to be a marriage counselor, caught me and said, "Did you hear the talk in Conference about marriage?  I'd like you to read it and tell me what you think because I'm considering using that talk in every counseling session I have from here forward."  I turned him down.  That talk has in fact come up many times in the last 6 months.  And each time I have gone to great lengths to avoid it.  

Until last week...when a member of the RS Presidency called me and asked me to be a substitute teacher this Sunday.  When she said, "Our lesson is on the April Conference talk Watch and Learn, by Elder L. Whitney Clayton."  I laughed, I'm pretty sure right out loud while I was on the phone with her.  And when she asked me if I needed her to email me a link to the talk online, or send a copy over, I laughed again, and said, "Nope, I think it's waiting for me on my Mac upstairs."  

I have lived enough years to know that when a lesson or a person or a principle crosses my path that many times, I need to pay attention.  So I agreed to teach the lesson and then started frantically searching for a little personal humility to be able to study it.  And I heard that familiar little voice in my head saying, "Haunani, you need to check your pride at the door." 

The last two weeks have been challenging as I've spent time becoming intimately acquainted with this talk.  Here are the basic guidelines that Elder Clayton taught:

We can learn so much from watching and then considering what we have seen and felt.  From watching wonderful, faithful marriages, the following guidelines have become clear.

1.  The best marriage partners regard their marriages as priceless.
2.  Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the foundation of a happy eternal marriage.
3.  Repentance and humility build happy marriages.
4.  Good marriages are completely respectful, transparent and loyal.
5.  Successful couples love each other with complete devotion.

Nothing earth shattering, huh?  They're not ridiculous or outlandish or even unreasonably hard to accomplish.  They're pretty straight-forward.  They make perfect sense.  And I probably am doing 80% of that stuff at least 80% of the time.  

But here's what I discovered while I read and re-read this talk about 700 times over the past two weeks.  While Elder Clayton was saying "Here are the guidelines for a successful, happy marriage..."  I actually heard, "This is the way to have a happy, successful marriage, and if you have fallen short in any way, or if you fall short in the future in anyway, then...good luck."  I heard, "You have to be perfect."  "You have to do this perfectly."  "This is the most important relationship you will ever have and you cannot mess it up."  Every time I read it, that's what I heard.  And every time I listened to it, that's what I heard.  I finally stopped listening to his voice because even the sound of it after awhile was starting to fill me with hopelessness and despair.  

That's not what he said, though.  The problem I was having with this talk was from faulty hearing, not faulty teaching.  

I've been married for nearly 20 years.  I was not a perfect wife in 1994 and I am no closer to being perfect in 2013.  I fall WAY short on a lot of the things I should be doing to put my marriage at the top of my priority list.  And I've made plenty of mistakes.  I WANT to be perfect.  But I'm disappointingly not even close.  

But here's the thing about that.  

We're not supposed to be perfect.  If we were already perfect wives, mothers, friends, and people, there would be no need for a Savior or an Atonement.  The reason I have any shot at a happy marriage isn't because I can mark things off a checklist every night.  It's because I miss a few, and then regret it, and then get on my knees and ask for help to do better the next day.  There are things that I just naturally stink at, but with the power of the Atonement to change hearts and minds and attitudes and habits, I have hope that I can be better at all those things.  

I've had a huge change of heart about this talk.  I can see the truth in the things Elder Clayton taught.  And I can see the benefit of having guidelines to follow and great examples to watch and emulate.  I also have greater hope in the outcome of my less than perfect marriage.  If there are things I'm not great at, and I have a righteous desire to change those things, there is a way to do that.

"However late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made, or talents you think you don't have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love.  It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's Atonement shines."   - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2012 General Conference, Laborers in the Vineyard

I know that those things are true.  I know that the Savior will meet us wherever we are and bring us back to where He is.  No matter how long we have been married, how many times we've messed it up, or how deeply rooted our flaws, there is always an opportunity to change.  

I have a testimony that Heavenly Father is aware of me personally and that He picked this lesson specifically for me to learn and grow from.  And if He knows me and cares about what I'm watching and learning and teaching, then He knows you, too.  Wherever we are is not too far away for Him to find us, to hear our prayers for help, and to change us.  

Temple Walk

How is it already Wednesday???  This week has completely escaped me.  They seem to be doing that more and more often lately.  

I had great intentions to write a post about the amazing Temple Walk the youth participated in on Saturday morning.  And four days later, I'm finally getting around to it.  

The Scout Master planned this entire youth activity.  He took two of the kids down to Moss Park on Conference Saturday between sessions and they biked the entire trail system leading to the Dallas Temple.  It would have been about a 22 mile hike across crazy freeway systems to walk it from our neck of the woods, so Craig opted for a safer, more scenic route.  

this...

instead of this...

Everyone met at the church at 9:00am with lunches in hand and walking shoes on.  The weather was a perfect 51 degrees and sunny with a high projected for later in the day at 72ish.  (I'm such a weather freak!)

Everyone had maps.  We coordinated GPS systems and had a designated take-off spot at the park.  We started with a lovely, brief testimony from a nice man in our ward.  And then we piled in vehicles to head down to Harry S. Moss park.  Instead of 22 miles, the kids would be walking 6.  (Not very strenuous, but much less treacherous.)  

Once we arrived at the park, the Bishop spoke to the group for awhile, while a few adults drove some "return vehicles" to the Temple to shuttle kids back down to the park after the hike was over.  While we were there, I snuck a quick picture of the destination...

My camera skills are pretty pathetic lately.  I'm making a 2nd quarter resolution to spend more time with that thing.  There was another man from our ward taking pictures all day and he emailed them to us, and holy cow! they were AMAZING!  I secretly wished I could just "borrow" them for my blog so you could see what the day REALLY looked like.  I felt a little better when he told me that he had taken 250 pictures and only the 30 he sent to us were worth sharing.  I might have to try that technique...mass quantities of pictures!

I drove the "return vehicle" adults back to the park to meet the rest of the group and that's where my part in this adventure ended.  I handed off 96 chocolate chip cookies to the Scout Master, and McKay and I jumped back in the Jeep and headed to his baseball game.  The rest of the activity was captured with the Scout Master's iPhone.  

lunch

When everyone finally arrived at the Temple (and there were some stragglers who took a REALLY LONG time to drag themselves in...)

 ...they all gathered in the shadiest spot they could find and got ready to hear from the Temple President.  

I have heard nothing but great things from the people in my house who participated in this walk.  It was a spirit-filled, uplifting day for everyone.  I'm so happy that my kids have the chance to do amazing things like this.  The Dallas Temple is absolutely gorgeous in the spring, and there is nothing more meaningful than being able to touch those walls and feel the incredible peace on the grounds of that awesome building.  

oh, and just in case you were wondering...

McKay had a great game and was so happy to be playing baseball again, but they lost.  

Book of Mormon Pageant

"Diligently doing the things that matter most will lead us to the Savior of the world." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I have been struggling for the past three days trying to pare down all of the amazing things I felt and heard and learned over the weekend into something concise and interesting to read. 

I mentioned a little about how frustrating last week was for me.  There were constant distractions, some of them worthy of my attention, but most of them just unnecessary noise cluttering my head.  There were sick children, field trips, music lessons, baseball uniforms, choir practices, doctors appointments, frustrated teachers insisting that I do something about McKay's inability to pay attention in class...plus packing that needed to be done, a house that needed to be cleaned and stocked with food, and a husband who was out of town for the third week in a row.  By Tuesday night, it was all I could do to keep us clothed and fed...and I really wasn't even doing that very well.  Doubt had settled in and I had completely convinced myself that I was NOT supposed to spend the weekend at Camp Wisdom playing around in the woods, and that everything else needed my attention.

By Thursday morning, thanks to some great words of advice from my patient husband, and a decent night's sleep, I had resigned myself to the fact that the Book of Mormon pageant was going to happen and that I was going to have to be there.  There was no way around that.  So, I said a long, desperate prayer, committed to packing and memorizing my lines finally, and at 6:30pm, left for the long drive into the unknown.  I made it to the hotel at 8:00pm, but decided to do a test drive to Camp Wisdom since my roommate and I would have to be there by 6:00 the next morning.  I am SO grateful for GPS systems.  How in the world would I ever get anywhere without mine??  My roommate, Mary, called shortly after I found the Camp, to say that she had been delayed at home and was just leaving her house.  I was a little relieved to know that I had at least an hour to stake my claim on the bed and the bathroom counter before she arrived.  

At 9:00, there was a quiet knock on the door of my room, and in walked the most wonderful, unique, spiritually intuitive woman I have ever met in my life.  She and I instantly connected and loved each other, and we spent the next 3 hours sharing all the little details of our lives.  At 12:10, we decided sleep was more important and we would have to continue our conversation in the morning.  

Five hours later, my alarm went off.  

I was still worried, but comforted by the fact that I had a new friend to help me walk into yet another unknown adventure.  It helped to have driven the route to Camp Wisdom the night before, and I managed to get both of us to the remote pavilion where we would be transforming into Nephites, on time and without any problem.    

Oh, I'm so sorry about these ridiculously bad, blurry, and far away pictures.  I only had my phone with me and I barely remembered or had time to snap a couple of pictures.  This is breakfast after everyone was dressed and ready for the day.  These are a few of the Nephite guards.  About 7:00am Friday morning.

After a nice outdoor breakfast and a quick check of everyone's costumes, we had a beautiful devotional by President Wright, our former Stake President.  He said some amazing things.  He talked a lot about the many hours that had been spent in preparation for this Priesthood Encampment.  It is no small feat to assemble 1500 boys and their leaders in one place and provide 48 hours of worthwhile activities.  He told us that the Book of Mormon pageant was the pinnacle of the events scheduled for the boys over the weekend, and that without it, there would have been no reason to have a Priesthood Encampment at all.  He thanked all of the actors who had committed to being there for the whole weekend, the directors and writers who had put the whole pageant together, and all the many, many hands who had worked tirelessly behind the scenes to make this happen.   And then he said, "There will be someone who is touched today by the things they see and hear during the pageant.  It will change a heart, or change a mind, or redirect a boy who may be heading down the wrong path.  And we don't know who that boy will be."  And then he challenged us to have a personal prayer before each scene and ask Heavenly Father to reveal to us which of the boys in each group needed to have a personal experience.  And then he said, "Most likely there will be someone in each group, or perhaps more than that, but even if there is only one person all weekend who is touched by this experience, all the hours, all the sacrifice, all the time will have been worth it."  And then he reminded us that the Savior made the greatest sacrifice anyone has ever made...for ALL of us, but even if it had only been for ONE PERSON, He still would have done it.  Amazing things to launch us into a day of fulfilling service...

Shortly after that, our "mothers' shuttle" (which was a tan suburban driven by one of the nicest men EVER, who tried ALL WEEKEND to pronounce my name and finally got it as we were all leaving the Camp) drove us and all of our props and personal belongings to our scene out in the middle of the woods.  

Oh, I can't tell you how I wish I had thought to take more pictures.  But, it was probably a good thing that I was thinking about being a Mother of a Stripling Warrior and not about writing my next blog post.  

There were about 12 scenes sprinkled throughout various locations in the Camp.  1500 boys and their leaders were divided into groups of about 40-50 and led throughout the day by "Nephite guards" through the woods to each scene.  There was some hiking involved and climbing a rope ladder up to the top of a bluff, and a little bit of distance between each of us, so they could really feel the experience of walking through the trail and coming upon an authentically depicted scene.  I can't tell you how many boys mentioned what a cool thing it was to feel like they were actually "walking through" the Book of Mormon.  We performed the pageant 15 times on Friday, and another 5 or 6 times on Saturday for each of the groups.  

Imagine hiking through the woods and coming upon this...

This is what our scene looked like...

We had about 20 minutes of downtime between groups, so we had lots of opportunity to really get to know each other.  One of the greatest and most unexpected blessings of this whole experience was meeting these other three women.  I feel like I've made lifelong friends in one weekend.  They are all infinitely talented and have more experience between them than I could have imagined.

This is Helaman sending a quick text to his wife while we waited.  :)

  
By Friday evening, we were all exhausted but happy.  You know that feeling after you've prepared and successfully delivered a talk for Sacrament or given a great RS lesson?  It was the most fulfilling kind of exhaustion.  The cast was invited to have dinner with the scouts and since I kind of like the Scout Master in our ward, I opted to have dinner with him and all of his little "stripling warriors."  

I was so happy to finally be eating food, and hanging out with my husband and these boys who I love so much.  They were so sweet and had nothing but kind things to say about the pageant.  

After dinner, we listened to some remarks about the day from David L. Beck, General Young Men's President.  He asked a few of the boys to volunteer to bear their testimonies about what they had experienced and 23 of them stood up!  Incredibly uplifting to hear so many of them say that they were touched by the mothers' scene, and that we reminded them of all that their own mothers do for them to prepare them for their own "battles."  Those sweet boys melted my heart and made it all worth it.  

Mary and I drove back to the hotel around 9:30 that night, took showers, and FELL INTO BED.  There would be no slumber party happening for us that night.  

The next morning, we assembled in the same area, had breakfast, had a shorter devotional and prayer, and were driven to our scene in the woods.  The first four groups of boys were HUGE, at least 100 in each.  I think the lingering spiritual high from the day before and the gorgeous weather helped us all to ramp everything up and perform the best handful of pageant scenes in the entire weekend.  Everyone felt the tangible Spirit among us, and sweet Mary said that she felt very strongly that there were other ancestor spirits among us encouraging all of us.  

We finished our official performances around 1:00pm and then had the opportunity to watch a few of the other scenes while they were being professionally video taped.  Taping, still pictures, clean up, lunch, and packing up the pavilion were tedious and exhausting again, but we all felt the exhilarating joy of having spent the entire weekend doing something worthwhile.  

I am in awe of the innumerable blessings I felt over the entire weekend...unexpected friendships, beautiful weather, kind and supportive helpers, the testimonies of all those teenage boys, successfully memorized lines, and an overwhelming feeling that Heavenly Father was happy with the effort I had made.  Had I known in advance that any ONE of those things would happen, I would have joyfully anticipated the weekend instead of worrying about it so much.  

I kept thinking about who those boys might have been who were touched by the Encampment experience, and I really have no idea who they are or how they may have felt, but even if there was only one...and there definitely was at least one...it was totally and completely worth it.  Even if the whole thing were just so that I could have a faith promoting experience and have a testimony of the Savior written more indelibly upon my heart, I'm quite sure that all those people would have done it anyway.  And I am so grateful to have been numbered among that kind of humility and greatness.  

I am grateful to have done something I thought was impossible, to have walked into the unknown and conquered a few fears, and to have had the help of the Lord to fill in all the places where there was weakness.  I am so grateful for the people who brought all of this together and who had the inspiration and vision to put together a Book of Mormon pageant so that SO many of us could feel the Spirit in a powerful and tangible way. 

I can't think of any better place or any more worthwhile thing I could have done with those 48 hours than to have been a Nephite mother in the wilderness.  

Clean Eating

I skimmed through a magazine recently and read this:

YOU CAN'T OUT EXERCISE A BAD DIET!!

I was outraged for a minute, and argued (in my head, not out loud) with that theory.  Really??  Are you sure??  Because I have secretly been hoping that I could do that.  Start a running program, and still eat donuts for breakfast.  Consume mass quantities of sugar cookies and then work them off at the gym.  Well, according to that magazine, those aren't very realistic expectations.  Darn it...

I spent a lot of 2012 moving less and eating more.  I reintroduced things into my life and into my diet that I thought I had successfully purged.  And on Monday, I decided it was time to get rid of them again.  My body is craving better food and my mind is craving clarity.

Well, that was four whole days ago.  FOUR DAYS without sugar.  FOUR DAYS without chocolate chips in my Greek yogurt and homemade granola in the mornings.  FOUR DAYS of no desserts after dinner.  FOUR DAYS of fruit instead of candy.  The good news is that I'm still alive.  But holy cow!  Who knew this would be so hard??

Sugar is totally a drug, you know?  I can say that with absolute certainty because after 4 days of not having it, I'm kinda thinking that a syringe full of sprinkles shot intravenously into my body doesn't sound like such a bad thing.  

Here's what I've realized:

• Coming down off of any drug, even the ones cleverly disguised in pink frosting, has some serious withdrawal effects.  I was ridiculously grumpy the first day.  One of my daughters said, "Good grief, someone please give Mommy a cookie!  She's unbearable."  I stayed strong and did not give in.

• My weakest time is between lunch and dinner...that mid-afternoon slump just after everyone has gotten home from school.  I forage through drawers and cabinets looking for some dropped sprinkle, some stray chocolate chip, some leftover Sonic peppermint, like a bear who's been hibernating all winter.   The other day I found two fortune cookies that I had managed to avoid after a visit to Panda Express earlier in the week, and I almost gave in.  Apparently I need to find something to replace this afternoon activity.  

and this slightly more serious one is definitely the best...
I'm pretty sure this falls under the realm of things you can pray for help with.  And why wouldn't it?  Heavenly Father made us.  He has an interest in seeing us happy and thriving and living to our potential.  And we can't do that if we're heavy laden with excessive weight in a sugar coma on the couch.  I ask all the time to have motivation and discipline to exercise.  I ask for a desire to eat better food.  But until today, I had never tried asking in a more direct way.  I know that I cannot feel or hear the Spirit as well when I'm not eating well.  And I have a desire to hear the Spirit.  There are other, more obvious, destructive behaviors that I would never engage in because I know they would impair my ability to hear and act on the Spirit.  So why can't I just add sugar to that list?  I know that Heavenly Father and I both want the same things.  I have a righteous desire to stop eating crappy food, not because I want to look like a supermodel, but because I want to live the life that He has planned for me.   And that desire gives me the right to ask for more than just motivation and willpower.  I actually asked today that I would be as repelled by sugar as I am by cigarettes and alcohol.  I know, there is supposed to be moderation in all things, but for me, I can't manage moderation on my own.  I can't just have one Oreo.  I can't just have a little bite of dessert.  I have a toxic relationship with this particular thing.  And because I know I can't do this by myself, I decided to LAUNCH something different and ask for a totally different way of thinking about sugar.  

"The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single greatest skill that can be acquired in this life."  Julie B. Beck, General Conference, April 2010

I want to weigh less.  I want to look better.  I want to wear skinny jeans.  But more than all of those other things, I want that skill to be able to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation.  I don't want to miss anymore opportunities or calls to serve because I can't hear them.  

So, for the rest of this month and the next, I will be LAUNCHING a sugar free life.  After 6 weeks, I'll pick some other vice to get rid of...fast food? meat? procrastination? gossip? movie popcorn? 

I'm so grateful for the desire to do something better, for blogs that inspire, for results that are tangible, and for the willingness of a loving Heavenly Father to provide guidance and assurance.

Notes from Church...on Monday

I know I write too much about my fiascos in life, but this one has a lesson at the end...

I'm combining my Notes from Church post with this late Monday one because even though it started on Sunday, it took me a full 24 hours for this lesson to really sink in.  

Yesterday morning I was still reeling from an incredibly productive, meaningful Saturday.  Everyone slept in, so everyone was in a well-rested kind of mood, which is always good on a Sunday.  I threw some coffee cake into the oven and then hopped back in bed to let the Scout Master run some ideas by me for his lesson.

It was on the Godhead and this was the talk he used..."Cast not Away Therefore Your Confidence" (You MUST read this, or even listen to it so you can feel the full Jeffrey R Holland effect.  Don't just skim through the parts that I mention in this post.  It's an incredible talk.)  

We talked for awhile about Satan's influence and how quickly he seeps into the little unattended cracks in our lives.  I mentioned a few examples that I thought the boys might relate to.  And then I jumped up and said, "Please make sure you emphasize the part that this isn't like getting your Eagle.  There is no RESISTING TEMPTATION merit badge.  It's not a place you can GET TO or an achievement you can ATTAIN.  Satan is always around the corner for everyone.  None of us are immune.  There is never enough that you can know or learn or prepare for that will stop Satan from trying."  We talked a little more about when and how those attempts come and why they happen just before or after something really big, and then I left to go finish drizzling coffee cake with swirly icing and promptly forgot about the talk.  

A few minutes later I got a text from the ward organist saying that she was sick and asking if I could fill in on short notice.  I said, "Absolutely!" and hurried to run through the hymns on the piano.  I had never played or heard the Sacrament hymn, but I felt confident that I could wing it because it's a slow one.  And I intended to get to church a little early to practice.  I had a couple of other things I needed to do yesterday before church and during Sacrament, but I didn't feel like this organ thing would be a big deal. 

I had an hour to get ready for church...PLENTY of time.  And then I felt like I needed to write some quick notes on the inside of the choir folders the Young Women would be using for the song they were singing in Sacrament.  And then I left to pick up our cute investigator friend, Casey.  What I didn't realize, though, was that the battery in my bathroom clock had been dying a slow death and was actually 10 minutes slow.  It takes about 10 minutes to get to Casey's house and I didn't realize until I pulled up that it was now 12:47.  EEK!  I totally should have already been at the church.  I said a silent prayer to get back quickly and to make it before Sacrament started.  I pulled into the parking lot at 12:58.  I was both hopeful and nervous when I didn't hear any music as I walked in.  And I also didn't see anyone sitting at the organ.  The Bishop was already conducting so I decided to just calmly walk up to the organ and be prepared to play the opening hymn.  What I didn't know was that the Bishop had asked someone else to play it on the piano.

I don't know how well you know me just by reading this blog, but there are a handful of consistent personality traits that I have.  I HATE to be late.  I HATE to disappoint people.  I HATE to be misunderstood.  And I HATE to appear unprepared.  

The walk up to the organ was mortifying enough, but then to be sitting up there and have the Bishop ask someone else to play because I was nowhere to be found was positively horrifying.  The rest of the meeting went downhill from there.  After the opening hymn on the piano, the Bishop made what I would have otherwise thought were lovely remarks about the talent in our ward and the blessing that it is to have people to call on with a moment's notice, but do you know what I heard?  I heard, "We should all be so grateful for this pianist who was able to step in when Haunani was not where she was supposed to be."  I heard disappointment.  And I felt the glaring spotlight on me while I sat there trying not to look angry or embarrassed.  I don't think it worked.  In the next hour, I managed to work myself up into thinking that the Bishopric would never give me any responsibility of significance again, that the organist would just drag herself to church the next time she had the flu, and that the entire congregation probably thought I was at home just doing something ridiculous and irresponsible like touching up my mascara or changing into yet another outfit.  

And I was baffled that Heavenly Father would let something as awful as this happen to me after the amazing day I had just had on Saturday and the good intentions I had had all morning.  I wasn't trying to over extend, I was just trying to help.  I was prepared for the YW song.  I had planned to pick up Casey.  And I knew I could manage the three hymns on the organ.  What I was not prepared for was Satan slipping into the little cracks.  I didn't think I had left any cracks unattended yesterday morning.  I thought everything had been sufficiently shellacked with my feelings of gratitude and love and a desire to do good things and contribute in meaningful ways.  

It wasn't until tonight when I re-read Elder Holland's talk, that I realized it wasn't that Heavenly Father had LET this happen.  Stuff just happens.  And sometimes that stuff eats away at whatever shellac we think we have, just enough to let Satan slip in.  Just a teeny doubt is a crack.  Just a little mistake that makes us a little insecure is a crack.  And poof! there's Satan, ready and willing to fill our heads with all the lies and misconceptions he can sneak in.  And I sat right on that stand in church and let Satan whittle away at my confidence until there wasn't anything left and all I wanted to do was run out of the building as quickly as possible.  

"Cast not away therefore your confidence."  At that point, I was casting everything away.  

I missed Gospel Doctrine.  I missed Relief Society.  I missed the chance to tell the Young Women how angelic their voices sounded and how wonderful it is that they let me drag them from singing opportunity to singing opportunity without ever complaining.  I missed blog posts.  I missed compliments from kind, well-meaning people.  I missed a lot of stuff while I sat for 24 hours and tried to figure out how the rug had been pulled out from under me.  

And then this afternoon when another thing out of my control happened, I thought, "Oh great. It's just going to keep coming."  But then, just as quickly, I thought, "Don't miss anymore stuff because of this."

Things happen.  Batteries die.  Clocks stop.  Lights turn red.  Belts break on garage doors and they come down when you expect them to be up.  There will always be things that happen that Satan will try to capitalize on.  He looks for the crappy things to make us feel crappy about ourselves.  Stuff is crappy sometimes.  But WE are not crappy.  (That's pretty profound, I know.  You have permission to quote me if you want.)  We can't always choose our circumstances, but we can ALWAYS choose our response to them.  Even though I didn't get to church on time, I am still a reliable person.  Just because I backed into the garage door, doesn't mean I'm reckless and irresponsible.  There may have been some people who didn't give me the benefit of the doubt yesterday at church, but I bet there were more who did, and even more still who didn't even notice!   For every untruth and negative thought that Satan plants in our minds, Heavenly Father is waiting patiently to replace it with truth and light and love.  

I'm writing this down so that the next time it happens I'll remember that.

"I acknowledge the reality of opposition and adversity, but I bear witness of the God of Glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that he has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and it has been restored, just as we have sung and testified this morning.
"Fear ye not." And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, "fear ye not. . . . The Lord shall fight for you." "Cast not away therefore your confidence."                                                                                 - Jeffrey R. Holland

Christmas Eve Jammies

Today has been longer than I wanted it to be, not quite as memorable as I had hoped, and much more frustrating.  I'm always caught off guard at how darkness can creep into places where there should only be light.  The month has been filled with too much rushing and buying, and not enough being still and reflecting.  I always try so hard to make everyone's dreams come true at Christmas and that's a pretty impossible goal.  I want the presents to be perfect, the food to be delicious, and the decorations to be beautiful.  I want to remember every single person and to be generous and thoughtful.  I want it to be a day as good as they've all imagined it in their heads.  I never want anyone to feel disappointed.  And 24 hours before Christmas is always when the weight of all my lofty expectations starts to crush me.  I've spent the day paring down the endless list, and tossing out the things that don't matter.  

Fortunately, the four little believers in my house missed most of the melt down I had today.  And as usual, they spent all of Christmas Eve excited and happy.  They jumped up and down and ran to their rooms to put on their new jammies tonight...all footies this year, by request.  Their excitement is contagious.  And thankfully, because of them and because of an infinitely patient Scout Master, I'm going to bed tonight realizing that what's under the tree doesn't matter as much as the love those four put into all the little presents they bought for each other.  And that the turkey may not get into the oven by 6:00am, but it's not as important as the fact that we have a kitchen overflowing with food and a warm home to live in.  And that the hope that comes from the Savior's birth all those years ago is a far greater gift than anything I could ever buy or make for them.    

I'm grateful that today is over and that we can always count on tomorrow.  I hope the day finds all of you exactly where you want to be, surrounded by people you love, and filled with the joy of the season.  

Merry Christmas!

Nativity

This is how we spent the first weekend of the month, but it's been so busy around here that I never got to the part where I actually posted the pictures and wrote about any of it. 

Sometime near the end of October, I received a phone call from the Stake music director asking if I would play the piano during one of the 30 minute time slots of the two-day Nativity event that our stake holds every year.  I was shocked that she asked and excited to play and said YES without hesitation.  

This is such an amazing, spirit-filled way to launch the Christmas season.  I absolutely love it.  Beginning in early November, announcements are made in each of the wards requesting "donations" of Nativity scenes.  People from each congregation come to the Stake Center with their personal Nativity scenes to be used in a massive display during the first weekend in December.  There are so many unique and beautiful ways to depict the birth of the Savior.  

A day or two after receiving that first phone call, someone else from the stake called and asked if I would be on the decorating committee and be in charge of the living Nativity scene.      Yikes!!  I'm SO not the decorator type.  I agonize over the smallest things, and this was NOT a small thing.  I reluctantly said yes and hoped there would be people there who had previous experience (or at least a picture) that could help me.  

The living nativity scene came together beautifully (because I had A LOT of help.)   And guess who got to play the part of Mary in the living nativity?  Yep, that's my little Flowering Buttercup!  She volunteered for one of the hour long shifts during the weekend.  She was so reverent and beautiful in that costume, and her friend Brayden was the perfect Joseph.  People kept walking up to the stage to see if they were real.  

We went to the Nativity several times over that short 48 hours, both for our various responsibilities and also just to listen to the beautiful music and to feel of the Spirit.  I wish they could have kept it up longer.  It is an amazing way to testify of the birth of the Savior at this time of year and a great reminder of the reverence of this season.  

"Finding the real joy of Christmas comes not in the hurrying and the scurrying to get more done, nor is it found in the purchasing of gifts.  We find real joy when we make the Savior the focus of the season.  We can keep Him in our thoughts and in our lives as we go about the work He would have us perform here on earth.  At this time, particularly, let us follow His example as we love and serve our fellowman.

There is no better time than now, this very Christmas season, for all of us to rededicate ourselves to the principles taught by Jesus the Christ.  It is the time to love the Lord, our God, with all our heart - and our neighbors as ourselves.  

Let us make Christmas real.  Is isn't just tinsel and ribbon, unless we have made it so in our lives.  Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting.  it is happiness because we see joy in people.  It is forgetting self and finding time for others.  It is discarding the meaningless and stressing the true values.  It is peace because we have found peace in the Savior's teachings.  It is the time we realize most deeply that the more love is expended, the more there is of it for others.

As the season envelops us with all its glory, may we, as did the Wise Men, seek a bright, particular star to guide us to our Christmas opportunity in service to our fellowman.  May we all make the journey to Bethlehem in spirit, taking with us a tender, caring heart as our gift to the Savior."  

-President Thomas S. Monson

2012 Christmas Devotional