I listen too much to the things people say. Sometimes well-intentioned people toss things out that are relatively meaningless in their minds, but their words linger in my head for way TOO long. And sometimes I let those words change the way I live.
Someone told me recently that my blog seemed sugar coated, like a watered down version of reality, like I was trying to appear rosy and perfect.
I've sat with that for a long time and scrutinized everything I've posted since hearing it. I've made a few subtle changes. And I haven't written much in the last two weeks because I've filtered everything through the words "sugar coated," "rosy," and fake. And I have gotten so frustrated a couple of times that I've considered some drastic changes, like privatizing my blog or just deleting it all together.
I don't want to sound like a Pollyanna. I don't want to appear perfect, because I'm definitely not.
I have crappy days.
I've done crappy things.
I choose donuts and cookies over green smoothies way too often.
I only go to the gym sporadically.
I get frustrated with my kids and my husband.
If the seat belt alarm in the car weren't so annoying, I probably would never wear that thing.
I am completely and totally addicted to sugar.
I'm not very responsible with money.
I'm irrational and destructive when I get mad.
I waste time.
I give up.
...and then I feel horribly guilty about all that stuff and sometimes choose to check out of life for awhile and just sit in the guilt (accompanied by cookies and donuts.)
My life is not perfect. But it's really, really good. And even though there are all those things that are daily challenges for me, there are many more amazing things that I would much rather write about than all the crap.
This blog isn't a place to write about the crap. I've intentionally chosen to make it a place to be grateful for all the Stuff I LOVE. A place to acknowledge all the merciful ways that Heavenly Father makes up the difference when I fall short. A place to recognize, remember and share the things I notice during ordinary days that are extraordinary and miraculous. Because there are a lot more of those.
So, I'm not making any more changes to this blog, (except maybe that banner that looks way too wintery for spring.) I'm not going to restructure the posts I write. And I'm not going to spend any more time worrying about who may or may not like what I write.
Because gratitude is reality for me.