LAUNCH Update

In 2010, when I started this blog, we had just moved across the country, and I was coming off of some major personal trauma.  I was hesitant to carry with me old habits and old weaknesses.  And I was uncertain about what my strengths actually were.  So I chose to just make a little nest for myself...for a couple of years.  A safe, quiet, comfortable, predictable little nest, where I could hang out until those strengths manifested themselves to me.  I had my family, my routine, my blog, my scriptures, a couple of really safe, really close friends, and a whole stack of self help books.  And that's pretty much it.  There wasn't a lot of interaction with the outside world.  

In January, I started to walk around the edge of that little nest, looking for opportunities to fly somewhere.  Because the nest is good, but it's not all there is.  

The past few months have presented a lot of potential opportunities...some of them scary, some exciting, some confidence building, some frustrating and some ridiculously hard.  And I've noticed that the more I step out of the nest and into the world, the more decisions I have to make.  It is less predictable outside my little nest.  The world is cluttered and noisy, and filled with distractions.  And I'm so easily distracted.  

In January, I was asked to represent one of the mothers of Helaman's stripling warriors in a HUGE Book of Mormon pageant being presented at a multi stake Priesthood Encampment this weekend.  2000 boys will be at Camp Wisdom with church leaders, parents, scout leaders, etc.  I get to wear a gorgeous costume that has been carefully hand picked and hand dyed and hand sewn for me.  I will be one of many, many other "actors" out in the woods for a whole weekend bringing the Book of Mormon to life for 2000 teenage boys.  

And I am PETRIFIED.  

There is nothing about this LAUNCHing experience that is comfortable, predictable or consistent with anything else I've done in that little nest I carefully carved out for myself.  I never had to ACT in there.  Because, I HATE acting...I don't even play charades, for heaven's sake!  I don't even like to sing songs that require choreography.  I barely even sway to the music.  I don't have a dramatic, act-y bone in my body and I have never cared to do anything about that.  

I also have to room with someone I don't know, in a hotel I've never been to, an hour and a half away from my NEST! while my children are in the care of someone else.  (Two someone else's who we happen to love, but nonetheless, they will not be with me.)

And I have to do all of this over a weekend with a forecasted 70% chance of torrential rain.  

30 times!  

Outside!

I'm sure you can see why the thought of hospitalization or a natural disaster has been so appealing to me this week.  

The thing about LAUNCHing that I've discovered is that it doesn't come without a cost.  It's easy to WANT to LAUNCH.  It's even relatively easy to find opportunities.  (They mostly find me these days.)  It's easy to say yes when presented with an opportunity that you KNOW fits into that LAUNCH-y vision you've seen in your head.  But the hard part, for me, is following through.  The doubt creeps barrells in and knocks me over.  Distractions lure me on wild goose chases.  People say things that make me question everything I know for sure.  And I long for the safety and comfort of my little, effortless nest.    

But, a day and a half out, and it's becoming more and more apparent that there will be no emergency appendectomies or tsunamis in my future.  (Dang it...)  I can't get out of this thing that I've LAUNCHed.  And that's how I can tell it's going to be worth it.  That's how I know that I will live through this weekend, and probably have something grateful to report about it on Monday.  This is a thing worth doing, and apparently I'm the one who has to do it.  

Wish me luck...
   

This is a little bird that my sweet friend, Jeanette, embroidered for me for my birthday.  The Japanese characters in the corner say "LAUNCH."  Isn't that the most wonderful, thoughtful thing you've ever heard of??  She knows me so well.