Last night at rehearsal we sang Homeward Bound, which we almost always end our rehearsals with and which happens to be my favorite non-hymn. I have loved that song since...i don't even know when...and since way before I even knew why.
In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
And the sky is clear and red,
When the summer's ceased its gleaming
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure's lost its meaning
I'll be homeward bound in time
Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow
Yesterday was not enough time for me with Savannah. An hour once a week never really is. I know I shouldn't even complain because I'm pretty sure I get more time than most missionary moms. In fact, I've stopped telling the other moms about my p-days with Savannah because theirs definitely do not look like mine. I usually get Savannah's generic email sometime in the morning, but then right after it, I also get a pretty long personal email with additional details about her week and questions about mine. And then I respond and we have about an hour to have an actual email conversation. And, as you can tell from her emails that I post here, she doesn't hold back many details about her life and her feelings, so I don't have to press her for much of that. Which is a huge blessing because details are what make my heart beat. I totally thrive on them. And I certainly have more details than I ever thought I would have when Savannah left for the MTC last October.If you find it's me you're missing
If you're hoping I'll return,
To your thoughts I'll soon be listening,
In the road I'll stop and turn
Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again
But I still miss her.
There is some point in nearly every day when I just want her here, and when I wish there were some way to call her or text her and ask her to please come back cuz I totally miss the heck out of her. Some days I just want to hear the sound of her voice. And some days I just want to tell her the things I can't tell anyone else because no one else would get it the way she would. And some days are just crappy and it would be so much better if she were here because her whole purpose in life is to make me smile, isn't it?
And then I come back to my senses and I remember that that's not actually her purpose in life. And I remember that what she's currently doing there is so much better than anything she would be doing here. And I remember that "exactness" probably doesn't include coming home because your mother misses the heck out of you and can't get through a day without hearing the sound of your voice. And would I really want to trade all those amazing, uplifting emails for a bunch of trivial conversations about this house or BYU or callings or current events or the weather? Probably not.
And then I also remember that the way things look today is not what they will always look like. It really won't be that long before I'll get to hear her voice again. And we'll get to talk about the weather again. And it will actually be her purpose in life to make me smile again...oh wait, maybe not that one... :)
Because what she's doing right now is figuring out who she is and what brings her real confidence and how to hear Heavenly Father's voice and what to do when she hears it and finding her calling. And after all that stuff, she'll come back...(and yes, I know she'll fly away again shortly after that, but at least it won't be so dang far away and at least I'll probably talk to her more than once a week.) And that reunion, after she's learned all that awesome stuff for 18 months, will be so much better than if I could actually call her or text her somewhere in the middle (like everyday) and beg her to come home and hang out with me.
So, if I could actually talk to her right now, I would tell her that I miss the heck out of her every single day, and that even though it would make me so happy to spend a whole day driving around listening to music and talking and laughing hysterically about some stupid thing and just hanging out doing absolutely nothing; what would make me infinitely happy (like the kind of happy that feels like the sun is shining from inside your body) would be waiting out these long days instead of giving in to them, and seeing her learning everything she possibly can and magnifying every second of these experiences...what does she call that...juicing?...so that when our reunion finally gets here, and surely it will, it will be SO worth it and SO much more joyous.
And the funny thing is, I'm sure I wouldn't need to tell her any of that at all because she already knows all that stuff. It would mostly be me who would need that little pep talk...hence the blog post. :)
"Never give up what you want most for what you want today." - Neal A Maxwell