"Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than what we were, more understanding than what we were, more empathetic than what we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.
This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow." - Thomas S Monson
Since I had to be banished from the house early this morning for two showings, I tried going to the temple to feel all the great things I usually feel. Peace. Comfort. Confidence. Reassurance.
Except the temple is still a pretty huge mess on the outside. There were construction trucks and cement trucks all along the side where I usually park and the entrance where I usually go in was completely closed.
And here's the part where I should insert a spiritual thought about how it's what's on the inside that matters and how the chaos on the outside went away as soon as I walked in the doors. It did. Sort of. It was super busy in there and a little chaotic inside, too, but everyone is so nice and it's quiet and I loved it. But as soon as I walked back outside all the weight of the chaos just came right back again. Usually I can get it to stay away at least for the whole drive home.
I tried to find something to take a picture of, because that's what I'm supposed to do these days...
And that picture up there was the only tiny part that I could find that was free of construction workers and dirt piles and orange ropey things. And if you zoom in you can probably see that there's actually a bunch of orange ropey stuff in the background, and a bright green cement truck down there behind one of those trees.
I kind of feel like the outside of the temple today.
There are one or two parts that probably look peaceful and presentable. Like the sky was really blue today and the flowers were all tidy and pretty. But if you get close enough you can see that there's mostly just a giant mess.
I can't get anything together.
None of the places I usually go for help are very helpful today.
Whatever I'm doing isn't working.
I know this is so stupid, and all this whining about the trial of my house sounds so petty and ridiculous and dramatic. It's not just the house, though. It's all of it. It's the single parenthood. It's not being able to make any messes. And then not having any enthusiastic help to clean up the ones that accidentally sneak in. It's living this life without anyone to talk to except this stupid blog. It's the constant pressure of feeling like there must be something wrong with me because I really like this house, but no one else seems to. It's all the driving. It's all the perfecting...that's not a great thing to require of an already borderline perfectionist who's teetering on the edge of sanity. It's the trip to Hawaii looming right in the middle of all of this...I know, that's completely ridiculous to be complaining about, too. Who complains about a trip to Hawaii? Believe me, everyone I know has told me how dumb I am to not be totally in love with both the trip and my husband for giving it to me...except I hate trips. And I hate planes and I hate adventures and I especially hate doing all of that stuff ALONE. And I would like to point out to all of those people (who don't even know I have a blog) that if the situation were reversed and I had spent a large sum of money on a super cute moppy dog that Craig didn't want or ask for for his birthday, I'm pretty sure the entire world would not be telling him that he should just embrace the dog idea and be open minded and adventurous. Pretty darn sure...
Sorry about all the complaining. If it continues much longer, I'll rename the blog...